“Way to go, Kenobi”: Star Wars Episode III: A Lost Hope

For 42 years, one unconventional and genre-busting film has defined the global moviemaking landscape and continues to entertain audiences around the world to this day. Of course, I’m referring to Robert Clouse’s horror classic The Pack. That is the movie you’re thinking of, right? Oh, you think I’m referring to some dumb little space movie? Well, that’s too bad because I want to talk about the killer dog movie starring the incomparable Joe Don Baker, dammit!

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You don’t want to talk about this, do you?

Fine. We’ll discuss Star Wars for the umpteenth time but I want to discuss an area of Star Wars fandom that I’ve always enjoyed: fan films. One of my first posts was a showcase of my favorite Star Wars fan videos so, in honor of the upcoming “end” of the Skywalker Saga, let’s take a look at a fan video that was released in the same year as the previous “end” of the saga. 2005’s Star Wars Episode III: A Lost Hope is a parody of Revenge of the Sith that was directed and co-written by N.T. Bullock, the founder of the independent production company Sequential Pictures, and features Bullock’s Seth Green-esque portrayal of Anakin, Galactic Senators on loan from Sesame Street, a take on Mace Windu by Anthony Washington that feels more in line with Samuel L. Jackson’s usual intensity and an ingenious forgery placed in Obi-Wan’s Jedi sketchbook. The highlight of the short is Eric Kohn’s sardonic approach to Master Yoda.

Hope you enjoy it and…well, you know.

Credit: sequentialpictures, bboy41290, Minnesota Muskie, Star Wars

“Talked about worms or something”: Time Runner

Today’s review is inspired by one of the most tantalizing tales of technological terror and twisted time travel ever filmed, James Cameron’s 1984 science fiction masterpiece The Terminator. This year marks the 35th anniversary of the franchise that just released its sixth theatrical installment, Terminator: Dark Fate, this month so I wanted to take a look at a particularly strange Terminator knockoff in honor of the occasion. 1993’s Time Runner is a low-budget sci-fi thriller filmed in Canada that aspires to be smarter and more politically aware than other Terminator wannabes of the era but falls victim to its bland story, scattershot editing and uninspired direction.

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Think, McSkywalker! Think!

Time Runner was directed by Michael Mazo, a Canadian producer who has worked with many talented performers throughout his career, including Christopher Plummer and Nastassja Kinski. This story of a space station captain who travels back in time to prevent an alien invasion that will devastate Earth in the year 2022 is carried by the three lead performances from Brion James of Blade Runner fame, Quest for Fire’s Rae Dawn Chong and Body Bags star Mark Hamill. The eternally underrated Hamill puts a great deal of effort into his portrayal of the station captain who finds himself lost in the year 1992. He effectively sells his character’s struggle to understand his dangerous situation and fulfill his responsibility to save Earth’s future. The only compelling scenes in the film are the captain’s interactions with his mother, played by Suzy Joachim, when she was pregnant with him. James brings a creepy charm to his role as an icy US Senator and Chong does the best she can with her underwritten role as the scientist from the past who helps the captain with his mission. The rest of the cast runs the gamut of B-movie acting quality, ranging from a bland henchman played by Mark Baur to an obnoxious comic relief guy portrayed by Gordon Tipple, who is also one of many actors to play the part of the Master in another staple of time travel fiction, Doctor Who. When it comes to the actual story, there’s an interesting seed of a subplot involving a government conspiracy tied to the alien invasion that comes across as something that was tacked on at the last minute. Even the action scenes and VFX shots, the elements that could have made for a fun B-movie, feel wooden and unsatisfying.

As a movie, I can only recommend Time Runner if you’re either a Mark Hamill filmography completist or someone organizing a cheesy movie night. When it comes to Terminator knockoffs, I guess you could say this film’s a couple of cans short of a six-pack.

Credit: YouTube Movies

“Nothing but a big-ass hearse”: Dracula 3000

Today’s review was prompted by three recent events. First, Halloween season is underway so I thought about looking at something appropriately spooky. The second event was the theatrical re-release of Ridley Scott’s sci-fi horror classic Alien, which prompted me to review yet another low-budget Alien wannabe. Finally, the cancellation of a convention I planned to attend in September called VampCon Chicago inspired me to examine something related to vampires. Put that all together and you’ve got my analysis of a certain substandard, sanguinary space adventure: 2004’s Dracula 3000. Although this is one of many incredibly loose adaptations of Bram Stoker’s highly influential 1897 horror novel Dracula, this low-budget space thriller has some interesting aspects that are buried underneath the layers of shoddy filmmaking.

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Look at you, movie. A pathetic story of junk and kitsch.

Helmed and co-written by Oscar-nominated South African filmmaker Darrel Roodt (Sarafina!), the one major theme from the original story that Dracula 3000 truly understands is the idea of learning from the past to preserve the future. By setting the film in the distant future and establishing that religion is all but forgotten in the year 3000, that notion is able to be demonstrated in a unique way, especially through Udo Kier’s character of a starship captain who survives the slaughter of his crew at the hands of the vampiric Count Orlock by holding on to a crucifix. Even though he has almost no interactions with an adequate main cast that includes former wrestler and Fifth Element star “Tiny” Lister, Baywatch’s Erika Eleniak and Casper Van Dien of Starship Troopers fame, Kier’s eerie performance gives the film a little bit of prestige that transcends the cookie-cutter used future aesthetic and cliched storytelling and balances out the campier elements, such as rapper Coolio’s broad and unrestrained turn as a character that can best be described as a stoned Renfield. Surprisingly, the weakest link in the cast is Langley Kirkwood’s stale, charisma-deficient portrayal of Orlock. He does a decent job and I wasn’t expecting the second coming of Bela Lugosi but his distinct lack of menace or charm is very evident, which isn’t helped by Roodt’s frustratingly inconsistent direction, which often changes from scene to scene. Some scenes feel like they were guided by a bargain-bin Ridley Scott while others feel like stuff that Friedberg and Seltzer would reject.

Disappointing antagonist and weird tonal issues aside, Dracula 3000 is an decent slice of sci-fi horror cheese that could have used a little more time to sort out the story it’s trying to tell. If you’re a Dracula completist, this is worth at least one viewing.

Credit: totoqro

Never Send a Plumber To Do a Koopa’s Job

Today is the 130th birthday of Nintendo, one of the biggest names in the video game industry. From its humble beginnings in 1889 as a hanafuda playing card production company called Nintendo Koppai, the company would go on to manufacture a variety of innovative gaming consoles, introduce the world to the creative visions of the likes of Shigeru Miyamoto, Satoshi Tajiri and Masahiro Sakurai, and develop many beloved and iconic video game series such as The Legend of Zelda, Donkey Kong, Pokemon, Metroid and Super Mario. This year also marks the 20th anniversary of the Wachowskis’ trailblazing sci-fi action epic, The Matrix, which still holds up surprisingly well after all these years. Today’s showcase is a 2004 animated short that effortlessly combines these two pop culture institutions. Super Mario Reloaded, a shot-for-shot remake of the famous Burly Brawl from The Matrix Reloaded that was first posted on Newgrounds by Eddsworld animator Paul Ter Voorde, replaces the characters from the film with sprites from various Nintendo games, most notably Super Mario World. Even with 16-bit visuals, the sprite animation is fluid and matches the intensity of the original scene. In full disclosure, I saw this short before I actually saw The Matrix Reloaded and I think I enjoy it more, too.

Credit: DrakenT78

“A golden road”: The Wizard of Mars

Today marks the 80th anniversary of the release of the 1939 cinematic classic The Wizard of Oz! The momentous, Oscar-winning musical fantasy film is the most well-known adaptation of L. Frank Baum’s revered 1900 children’s novel The Wonderful Wizard of Oz but ever since the release of the Victor Fleming film, there have been countless reimaginings of the tale of Dorothy Gale’s journey into the whimsical land of Oz, including television shows, novels, comics, plays, games and several other films. Today, we’re going to take a look at a particularly strange reworking of the original Oz story called The Wizard of Mars, a 1965 sci-fi adventure featuring the legendary character actor John Carradine in the eponymous role. Is Carradine’s involvement in this project enough to make it worthwhile? It’s hard to say.

It’s an Oz adaptation served in an authentic outer space atmosphere.

Also known as Horrors of the Red Planet, Wizard of Mars takes place in the far-flung future of 1975, where a crew of four astronauts (including a crewwoman named Dorothy) crash land on a very Earth-like vision of Mars and encounter various hazards before following a golden pathway that leads to an abandoned city inhabited by the fearsome collective consciousness of a Martian hive mind played by Carradine. Of course, the saving grace of Mars is Carradine’s monologue near the end of the film about the hubris of the Martians, which brings a small amount of thematic gravitas and grandeur to such a low-budget production while also highlighting how deeply flawed the rest of the film is. David L. Hewitt’s direction and the performances from the rest of the cast are as heartless as the Tin Woodman, the visual effects are predictably cheap and the script is so brainless, the Scarecrow could poke some holes in it. Perhaps the most interesting tidbit regarding the production of Mars is the fact that Forrest J. Ackerman, the illustrious literary agent and science fiction writer who is best-known as the editor of the influential horror film magazine Famous Monsters of Filmland, was chosen to be the film’s technical advisor.

If you have the leonine nerve for low-budget sci-fi, The Wizard of Mars may not be a wickedly satisfying trip but there are a few things that make it notable. Naturally, you have to decide that for yourself. Just pay no attention to those strings holding up the spacecraft.

Credit: Krell Venusian

Tranquil Eagle of Columbia – 50th Anniversary of the Apollo 11 Spaceflight

“I really believe that if the political leaders of the world could see their planet from a distance of, let’s say 100,000 miles, their outlook would be fundamentally changed. The all-important border would be invisible, that noisy argument suddenly silenced.” -Michael Collins

“The biggest benefit of Apollo was the inspiration it gave to a growing generation to get into science and aerospace.” – Buzz Aldrin

“I think we’re going to the moon because it’s in the nature of the human being to face challenges.” – Neil Armstrong

Credit: Roberto Mastri, Loosejocks, Rob260259